Confession: when I first met Cameo back in 2013, I was drawn to her. She was electric with energy and passion. Who has ever met a talented baton twirler in person? This girl! She can twirl like no one’s business, and she did it with such poise, passion, and power! There was something about her free-spirit that intrigued me. She had a way to make everyone laugh, but I will be honest though. I had my guard up back in 2013 because I chose to love fearfully instead of staying curious about her story. I didn’t know her and unfamiliarity wooed me to keep distant until all coasts were clear.
For this, I sincerely apologize, Cameo. I can only imagine how many doors this closed for us and how many memories were left uncreated back at that time.
How many times do we choose insecurity over opportunity? I desired to start this feature with a confession because recently, she came back into my husband and family’s life, and she was the one that reminded me that I wanted to go on a “coffee and conversation” date. This reminded me that even in the midst of insecurity swallowing up my ability to give this girl a chance, curiosity was knocking on my heart’s door saying “let her in, give her a chance”. Of course, life happens, and we lost contact, and that “coffee and conversation” date never happened until recently. My goodness during my time with her as I was sipping on my cold brew and she was sipping on her chai latte, her story began to haunt me.
It was haunting in the sense that it showed me for who I really was back in 2013, a scared and insecure girl. Insecurity pulled me away from her in a time that she needed a helping hand, a prayer, and support the most. Insecurity told me to distance myself. Insecurity enraptured me and only allowed me to see what I wanted to see: fear.
Insecurity forced me to only see a free-spirited girl who danced the night away at Mad T Party, a dance event at California Adventure, living like today was all she had; it was because that was really all she had. Tomorrow was unpredictable, insecure, and scary, and this is her story:
"It was my dream since I was about three. I wanted to be Minnie Mouse and work at Disneyland. I started to get back into church. You know dive into the “God” thing, and it changed my life. I always wanted to do this, this, and this, but I was stuck there (Modesto, CA). I was working 3-4 jobs, living out of my car. I had such a good support system, but it felt like things just kept happening. I would get back on my feet, and I would have a place to stay, and then something in their lives would just happen, and they would say “so sorry but I need this room”. It felt like God was telling me that I didn’t need to be here (Modesto, CA) anymore.
She continued.
“Stephanie, my best-friend at the time, let me crash on her couch. Her husband was out of town, and it was a Saturday night, and she wanted to go to church. She asked me since I had the day off. Her church was in a big auditorium, and I sat at the very top. I knew the pastor, but he had a guest speaker that day. The guest speaker focused on the direction that God is pulling you. The first thing out of his mouth was “maybe your dream is to work at Disneyland, and if God is pulling you that direction, that is what you should do”. I was looking to God like if he could be any clearer! It gave me the courage to say goodbye to Modesto.”
She went on.
“Everywhere I was trying to stick roots, He was like “no, I don’t want you there anymore”. I was praying everyday, like all the time. Having conversations, in my car, on my way to work, at night, wherever I was staying. I felt that God was telling me that I want you there (Anaheim, CA). It was the month of November that I would see you guys (people from Mad T Party, a dance party in California Adventures) every single weekend, driving from Modesto to Anaheim. I would literally take my paycheck and cash it, and put it in my car in gas and sleep in my car. I remember specifically, and this is why I love those guys (Tim, Michael, and Jeremy Cancio, brothers she met at Disneyland) so much. I had been praying. I met these amazing people. I felt that it was super cool that I had a nice little group now, you know, but I needed to find a church. My pastor was telling me to make sure that I was surrounding myself with people that love God. That night, I drove up and I asked, I believe that it was Michael, and I asked if he knew of a church in the area or whatever, and he was like “my dad is a pastor”. Jeremy and Tim were like “yeah dude, we are the band! We are Christians.” It literally shook me! I got chills like okay I am supposed to be here.”
Cameo battled not having all of the support that she was hoping to get from friends and family even when people knew she was living in her car. It was a very frustrating time for her while making this biggest leap of faith into a new city, hours away from home. She found a way to let go and let God take control.
“It wasn’t just okay, God, I hear You! It also was due to the fact that if some people back home don’t want to be a part of my life, all right, I am going to start my own. I am going to be a part of other people’s lives who want me in their life. I still struggle with that, but I came to learn to let that go”.
Cameo went on and on about the rollercoaster of her life: a year dealing with a wide array of personalities with her roommates, a season of deep sadness and depression, a bittersweet season of love and bliss, a season of heart-break.
As she continued to tell me her story, and as I saw the rollercoaster of her life climb and plumage into dark and deep dips, it dawned on me that I could have been less “cordially hypocritical” in 2013 and more “fearlessly loving”, yet I chose to love fearfully.
Cordial Hypocrisy: Face and words were nice, but the heart wasn’t; there is a difference.
She continued to share.
“I am actually very insecure. I do care what people think of me to a point that if I am using a self-checkout at a grocery store, and if there is someone in line waiting, I will literally start checking out my items as fast as I can thinking “oh my God, this person thinks I am slow and stupid, and I am just wasting their time”. I do this all the time. I will walk into places automatically thinking the worst of how people view me, and I am always overanalyzing and overthinking about who people are and how they see me. I tend to expect the worst from people”.
As she continued to speak, her story stopped haunting me but began to comfort me. I began to realize that insecurity wasn’t just my issue in 2013; it was ours, mine and hers. Cameo echoed the same stories I have dealt with as a human, and I began to feel the solidarity of our humanity, our frailty, begin to draw us even closer.
I began to see her and me for who we really are, human - all desiring to be loved, be accepted, and find a place to call home.
She desires to fight insecurity this year by choosing to sink deeper roots no longer in other people but in her faith and her desire for self-care and putting herself first. The magical thing about digging deeper, finding more depth in our very own souls is that we begin to tap into that deep well of beauty, personality, inspiration, creativity, and meaning that only God has placed there. It doesn’t come from what we have or who is in our lives. It becomes an endless tap of possibility. You no longer feel stuck or insecure; you feel sparked with inspiration, safe, and free to move forward and be who you feel called to be.
Insecurity is not something you only deal with. It is the innate human trait that can sometimes override decisions without you even knowing.
It takes us choosing to see opportunity over seeing our insecurity.
Lisa Gungor said it best:
“Who and what we are opening our eyes to affects who and what we are opening our future to. If we keep our eyes shut, much will be lost around us and within us.”
Let’s have our eyes wide open to ourselves and others this year, and choose opportunity over insecurity.