Silence consumed me and kept me company for 5 days of my spring break. Not saying a word, an opinion, a reaction, a response, a gasp, a laugh, a giggle - all just silence, quiet, stillness.
For the last 8 months, I have been dealing with a raspy and coarse voice at the end of my day. My vocal strength has always been a guaranteed attribute that I have always banked on, and I let people bank on. Being only a 4 foot and 10 inch statured person, I felt my voice and personality gave me more height, more presence, more worth.
After 8 months of applying my own remedies like substituting my hot coffee for Yogi tangerine positivity tea, giving up pre-workout and acidic foods, nothing really helped this fatigued and tired voice of mine, so I booked an appointment with a vocal specialist. My husband and I went in on my first and last Monday of my spring break, and we met Dr. Reeder, my nose, ear, and throat doctor.
A visit that I thought would be a quick check up and a recommended prescription setting me on my way to all my plans for spring break shifted. Lunch meetings, spontaneous disney trips, mother and daughter dates had to be canceled because of voice nodules that have built on my vocal cords. Nodules, vocal scars, built due to stubbornness, people-pleasing, worry, and fear.
Dr. Reeder put me on a 5 day vocal rest, a silent retreat that I didn't even know that I desperately needed. The silence began around 11:30 am that Monday, and this idea of not talking was so novel that it didn't bother me in the beginning. Michael, my husband, made the best of it for me by letting me choose any meal we ate, any activity we engaged in. He really tried re-assuring me that I am more than my voice. Monday flew by but then came Tuesday.
I wanted to sleep the day away. I was flooded with emotions that were draining my ability to think clearly. I felt slugglish and unmotivated. Everything just seemed like it was happening to me, but I had to remind myself that I chose the silence, the rest. I knew this was exactly what my body needed.
As soon as I began to surrender to the idea that my value is more than what I can say or do, I began to truly "be" and let that be enough.
I listened to a podcast from Dallas Willard, and he brought me back to the reality that solitude and silence are the foundational principles to spiritual growth and formation. Willard gave a testimonial of someone who experienced transformation or silence that brought me to tears and comforted me in the silence:
"The more I practice this discipline, the more I appreciate the strength of silence. The less I become skeptical and judgmental, the more I learn to accept the things I didn’t like about others, the more I accept them as uniquely created in the image of God. The less I talk, the fuller are words spoken at an appropriate time. The more I value others, the more I serve them in small ways, the more I enjoy and celebrate my life. The more I celebrate, the more I realize that God has been giving me wonderful things in my life, the less I worry about my future. I will accept and enjoy what God is continuously giving to me. I think I am beginning to really enjoy God."
In the last 5 days, I have learned the importance of a listening ear, that sometimes more is said when less is spoken, and that I am loved and valued with just being myself without the talking, doing, hosting, teaching, writing, and I found this in the solitude and silence.
Sometimes more is said when less is spoken.
I encourage you today to make room this week for some solitude and silence. Our heart takes time to catch up with our busy body at times. You will find so much more comfort and a calm that you had no idea that you were missing and needed in the silence.