“I believe in a very deep way that our past is what brings us to our future. I understand the temptation to draw an angry X through a whole season or a whole town or a whole relationship, to crumple it up and throw it away, to get it as far away as possible from a new life, a new future…These days I’m walking over and retrieving those years from the trash, erasing the X, unlocking the door. It’s the only way that darkness turns to light…I see moments of heartbreak that led to honesty about myself I wouldn’t have been able to get to any other way.”
2019 has been a year of wonder and wandering. I will be 100% honest with you. The Covering Church, my home, the family that I was surrounded by since the 2nd grade ended December of 2018. We had our last service together November 25, 2018. It has taken me over 6 months to write about it because I haven’t wanted to feel all that I knew this piece would make me feel. I miss the feeling of home, knowing the people, and I miss the intimacy that comes with knowing people’s names and history.
In the longing of the past and the nostalgia, grief has brought darkness to surface. I feel like I desire someone to blame, myself, others, even God, of the Covering Church closing, being left feeling like my home was being taken away from me. I did satisfy myself by blaming myself, others, God, but it still left me feeling angry, so I thought shutting doors, putting X’s on memories that were so dear to me would suffice. I strove to forget, press forward, work harder, be stronger, but I am not. There were areas that I was right and wrong in; I am strong and fragile, and this shift in season hurts.
“I’m beginning to see myself for what I am: right and wrong, strong and fragile. All the things, all in one” (Present over Perfect by Shauna Niequist).
I miss the normalcy yet I long for adventure.
I miss the family yet I desire to grow a bigger community.
I miss my way yet I desire different.
I am a walking paradox, a ball of contradiction this season.
There was a gentleman who was a minister in the Covering Church that claimed that he heard from God that “the plagues are not for us”, and I was reminded of his cry during this really trying time of my life. I am beginning to understand that my past brings me to my future. When stories, seasons, or times come to a close, that it does not mean that my future does, too.
There are areas in our lives that we feel like we have been robbed like life is happening to us and not for us whether it be at a job, in a relationship, from a church, from community. The “plagues” whatever they may be, grief, loss, unforgiveness, pain, are not for us to be paralyzed by. The “locusts” that eat away at the harvest we were hoping for, do not determine the success of today or tomorrow; we should not lose hope.
I will be honest, I have felt stuck to really engage in real community because I took the close of the Covering Church so close to heart that I felt personally robbed and began to identify people with those qualities, but I am seeing that I can’t put X’s on people or on seasons rather erase the X, unlock the door and let the light in. This is where true healing can start.
I can’t let my past hold me back from the future worth having. I desire to be known, to be heard, to be healed, to be supported, and it takes opening up and taking risks. I desire to be more than my past, my stories, my experiences, my hurt. I am choosing to not put X’s on those experiences and people because all of that played such a major part in who I am today.
I am choosing love over hate and anger. I am choosing risk over my comfort for the sake of community and moving forward in love. I am choosing to allow God’s light in and let go of the darkness because my God will repay all that I feel has been stolen.
Home is not a place but a people, those that I share it with. Even though my Covering Church has closed, it does not mean God’s love has.
Let’s continue to live in love.
“I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten.”