As I look back at the last time I wrote, I realized I did not manage to blog at all in 2022-2023. December 2021 was my last entry dedicated to my father-in-law, Freddie Cancio, and our future baby.
2021 ending and 2022 beginning, death and birth - all grace to start new again. To try again.
So here I am living and embracing the grace, trying again, writing again, breathing again, living again, dreaming again, being again - and it’s SO life-giving. I encourage you to try again - whatever it is.
Here is a little snapshot of what God has been up to in my life:
We found out we were expecting August 2021.
We got to share this beautiful news with our family including Freddie, and he beamed with joy despite being bedridden with sickness and pain. He still managed to give in his greatest time of need.
We lost Freddie in the month of September 2021.
Months blended and morphed together. My grief for my loss turned into a full-fledged, committed disconnect from my pregnancy. My heart could not manage to lose more, and if I did not connect to the life growing in my womb, it would not hurt if I lost anything more.
November 2021 - We celebrated Freddie’s life and found out that there was still life in my womb, a little girl to call our own.
Death and life - we can’t have one without the other. It was an honor to celebrate Freddie’s legacy that will forever live on. At Freddie’s memorial, a pastor came up to my husband and me and spoke the same last prophetic word that Freddie claimed over us - pastors. Michael and I shuttered! Freddie’s words are alive, still speaking life into us. Reminding us of the gifting God has given us.
Thanksgiving 2021, we found out we were going to have a little precious girl, Roxanne Rose Cancio.
December 2021 - January 2022: Hard Holidays
Christmas & the New Year, our first holidays without Freddie. Thankfully, we are not alone - surrounded by our loved ones and chosen family. It made Freddie’s absence less painful.
February - April 2021: Birthdays & Baby Showers
February 7th was Michael’s first birthday without his father. So much to navigate. So much missing.
March 27th: My Baby Shower
Perfect and magical! Welcoming a new butterfly, life, into this world.
April 2022: Placenta Previa
I had a complication in my pregnancy that if not changed would call for Roxanne to come early. After prayer, Bradley classes, and acupuncture, my placenta previa moved, and she was able to come when she was ready.
May 6, 2022: Roxanne Rose Cancio is Here
After being in labor for over 24 hours, Michael and I got the blessing to welcome our daughter into this world.
May - July 2022: Maternity Leave
Those little uninterrupted moments I had with my husband and daughter were by far the memories that have been etched into my heart for eternity. Yes, there were long nights, but the sun always rose the very next day. Now, going back through my phone and seeing videos and pictures of this little life that I could literally carry in one arm, who now has grown a quarter of my size, reminds me how short life is. Time is precious no matter what you are facing.
August 2022: Full-Time Working Mom
Being a full-time momma, full-time wife, full-time principal, and simply a full-time person who loves Jesus that desires to make an impact on this world where God has placed dreams, passions, and aspirations, I felt so fragmented and not enough during my transition back to work. I did not feel like I was enough or had enough in every aspect. Thank God in time, I found my rhythm. It was not walking faster and harder which was second nature; it was allowing myself to be carried by others and God.
September 2022: 1 Year Memorial of Freddie’s Passing
We remembered Freddie on the day of his passing at his favorite place in Laguna Niguel. It was the perfect day with the even more perfect sunset. It felt like God was showing off and letting us know Freddie was right there with Malinda and our family watching the most beautiful sunset we have yet seen. Having Roxy a part of that day reminded us that his legacy continues to live on.
October 2022 - January 2023: Holidays in the Eyes of a Child
Halloween: Roxy and her cousins ventured in the neighborhood of Covina trick or treating. I don’t remember the last time I have dressed up for Halloween. I was a butterfly while she was Tinkerbell.
Thanksgiving: Roxy dressed in her Thanksgiving best and being around the table with our family made me realize what we have been missing for so long.
Christmas: The day I felt her kick in my tummy in 2021. 2022, I got to worship with her in our gathering while her daddy played drums with all his spirit.
New Year’s Eve: Rang in the new year in the comforts of our home - gave a new sweetness and stillness that I did not know my soul needed.
February - April 2023: Who am I?
So much soul-searching, asking God who I am beyond being a mother, a wife, a daughter, a principal. God reminding and re-defining my identity. A season of refining.
May 2023: Roxanne’s 1st Birthday
Dear Roxanne Rose,
I can’t thank you enough for who you are in mommy and daddy’s lives. You are the gift from God that saved us. Your light shines so bright that the darkness of grief could not win.
You make me want to be a better person. I have learned and experienced the tender heart and grace of God towards me through my love for you as your momma. I would move mountains for you; God moves mountains for us, for me, for you.
Thank you for everything that you are to our family. So grateful that God chose me to be your momma.
Love you so much!
God,
You are all-knowing, and you knew exactly what our family would need. Thank You for teaching me that it is okay to be carried by You and others. I embrace the quiet and stillness more than I have ever before. I am grateful for the call to play, the call to slow dances with You. Take Your lead in my family’s life. I pray we make You proud. We love You. We love the way You love. You are good, all the time. All the time, you are good. Amen!